It's hard looking at other people and owning their darkness for them.

I have a problem with movies that don't resolve. I have a problem with not getting a happy ending. I have a problem with (authority) never feelinng satisfied. I have a problem with not seperating myself from the fictional.

Manipulation.


I just watch a man turn into a monster. I just watched a man manipulate every character in his life so he could be... satisfied? Successful? Happy? He would give anything to achieve his goals, and yet he's empty. He wasn't enough at the beggning of the movie and he isnt enough now.

I am his darkeness. His struggle.

Its a profound and painful thing to see lucifer and understand his light and to watch the burning and decay set into the angel of light, reducing him into a golum begging for scraps of love. The dreggs at the bottom of the glass. Pity. Deception. Disgust. Shame. Loathing. Submission.

I can feel my own pain. I can empathize with my own pain. I'm sure, even just after writing this maybe, that I will lose sight of this perspective. Come the morning these will just appear to be the progressing musings of a mad man trapped in a sane ones cage.

I would give anything to be happy. Then I learned happiness is fleating and unreliable. I would give anthing for meaning and satisfaction. And yet iak l;af ds;jla sdfl;j am confronted with this idea that "working to achieve" isn't an option either. We might just ruin our own lives in the process.

I don't see gay movies with happy endings? Why? I don't know any gay men who are happy and content. I want to run away to an island desert. Sometimes I fantasize about having a boyfriend and having to confront the end of the world with him. As if those stakes might be enough to forge a lasting bond.

Are gay relationships REALLY not designed to function? Or are we not set up to succeed? Whats going on here? I feel broken. My words on paper aren't as textured as the thoughts in my head. (I sound like a dumb boy. ) But I don't belive I have to be this way. (Boken) I believe this is something being placed on me; and yet somehow that makes it so. Like water running through a trough we are funneled by the environments we are washed in, set in, whisked away in.


Frenetic.

A beautiful man called me frenetic. Not me... But.... Well he might as well have made the comment about me individually.

FUCK EVERYTHING.

YES IT WAS ABOUT ME. ITS OKAY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I UNDERSTAND.

I need to tell my therepaist that sometimes I can 'read minds' (literral? Not literal?) and sometiems I am OSOSOSOSOSOSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO incredibly lost with-..... No one is every going to understand how I think. Everything can be misread. There isn't such a thing as truth.

I don't feel broken I feel shattered. Like glass on a dirt road that has been run over so many times only dangerously fine glitter and shark-tooth shaped (whats another word for triangle) remains?

If you think reading this post is hard you should try living in it.

Im really tired of realizing every teacher that found me to be "less" than desireable was actually incredibly inept. Its so painful and it happens so often.  Of course the powreful ones love me.. but they are harder to win... see... chance upon.



When we are having a conversation our mind is already calculating the possible next portion of our partners sentences.  We can jump to conclusions when our fears derail the rollladex of options being processed in the mind.


Is my specialness fading away with age?

Are my classmates struggeling with maintaining staying up on life as much as I am?

Why don't I cry more... I feel like I should be crying more. I hurt to much to not be crying. Or maybe I'm not really so bad. LOLZ UR KIDDING RIGHT... right?

There is no such thing as truth. Everyhtin is real and unreal simultaniously. THe universe is a computerized code of operation lagging and shimmering an loading perfectly all at once.

There is an infite amount of things I will never know

I will never have control.

The Hero. The Villian. The Victim. I am all of them. Soemtiems all at once. And yet I am the exploding of the universe and the expansion of life but also the compression of my body? into a supernova.



I need to sleep.

If you don't mind me I have quizzes to grade.